Excerpt
The storm rages
outside and in my heart. I’m alone. He’s gone and I am lost to grief and my
body shakes with the release of tears and the pain of my shattering heart. For
the rest of the night I lie catatonic in my bed. With exhausted eyes I lie
there staring off into space, numb, paralyzed by grief. I don’t have the will
to move and I don’t care if I ever do again.
This
devastating feeling of loss is a cloud that surrounds me for weeks. I just
can’t shake it. The only positive, if you can call it that, is that I know what
he looks like now. I have his name now. His name is “Dex”. The only question
is, am I grieving over a figment of my imagination or does he really exist?
This dream is the most vivid dream I have ever had. Most of my dreams are made
up of smoke and mirrors that play tricks on my brain. Never have they been this
vivid. I could feel the texture of his skin. I could smell him. I tasted his
passion. It has to be real
right?
Everything
I do, everywhere I go he is there now. I can’t shake him. Like a ghost, he
stands in my kitchen while I cook breakfast. I see him standing against the
counter in his boxers watching me cook. He seems so real standing there with
his chin length sun streaked hair mussed and tucked behind his ears. Sunlight
streams in from the window shooting gold through his hair. I want to reach out
and trace the bumps and ridges of his sculpted body, to trace along the edge of
his boxers right where his tan line is exposed. When he smiles he lights from
within, straight white teeth and full lips. I know what those lips taste like.
His blue eyes send a pulse strait to my heart. He is so beautiful and strong
and real and I want to curl up into him, climb into him where he can lock those
thick corded arms around me and keep me. Dex is beauty personified
and his beauty makes my heart weep. I draw him constantly now. I can’t help
myself, I need more of him and this is the only way I get to touch him, by
drawing him and dreaming of him.
After
breakfast, I am lying on my den floor looking at the drawings of Dex that cover
my walls. He surrounds me in his many shapes and forms. I lie here wondering
what we really meant to one another. My last drawing is not like the others, he
looks angry and accusing. Confusion swirls and pulls at my emotions. Since my
dream, I have been on edge physically, emotionally. My need is a sharp knife in
my gut twisting, turning. I wake needy for Dex to touch me, to love me. Looking
at this last drawing hurts me. He is in agony. If he did really exist,
could I have caused that look in his eyes? He seems so full of pain and anger.
Did I do this to him? Am I the cause of all that pain?
I
don’t trust my own feelings. I am a danger to myself. My judgment is skewed. In
my head I try to reason it all out. I am almost sure we were lovers. Then maybe
I just wanted us to be lovers, maybe he was a fantasy I had before. There is a
real possibility that he is a dangerous person I have the scars to remind me
that I have been harmed and most likely by someone close to me. Was I a girl
that would fall for a bad man, give myself to him just to have him turn on me,
hurt me? Could I have always been damaged? I guess that is possible considering
I ended up where I ended up…I certainly had a connection to something
bad.
What
I do know is that my body wants him. The only thing I know. At this moment he
is just a fucking fictional character in my empty life and I need something to
hold on to for a moment. I push my fractured thoughts back. I go to a place
where there are no boundaries. No future. No past. Just this moment exist
between me and my fictional Dex. This Dex is mine. He is my love and desires me
as much as I desire him. I give myself permission to open up my secret little
box or dormant desires for just a moment. I allow myself to feel more than the
grief and emptiness of my life.
Release Date: November 30, 2013
No comments:
Post a Comment